It's been a long road.......

"....gettin' from there to here.  It's been a long time but my time is finally near and I can feel a change in the wind right now, nothing's in my way and they're not going to hold me down no more, no they're not going to hold me down. Cause I've got faith of the heart. I'm going where my heart will take me. I've got faith to believe, I can do anything. I've got strength of the soul and no one is going to bend or break me. I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart" - Rod Stewart

I'm going to steal a bit from my friend Lynn's blog and do a bit from a song.  This was one of the 'Pathways songs'  and for some reason this song was on my heart for the past couple of nights.  I guess it should be, tomorrow is the last day of the year.  And what a year it's been.  I vowed to start losing weight and yes, I've started, I've dropped a whole size...it's taken a year, but I've been through some pretty incredible processes in that year, learning about me, about what I want, where I want to go and I'm ready to fully embrace the new year with all the adventures it holds.

Tonight I had a little bit of a sad moment.  After watching Hoarders (which inevitably ALWAYS happens) I wanted to go through and clean out EVERYTHING from my closet. So I started going through clothes, finding what I didn't wear, what I still wanted to wear but couldn't and I realized there were several articles of clothing that I dearly loved but could not wear anymore. It made me sad to have to put them up and to come to the realization that I thought I would be there now. I thought I would be at the point where I could wear some of that stuff and I can't. I know I've had a lot of drama going on in my life the past couple of months and I haven't been regular at curves.  Sure I have workout DVDs here, two legs and a plethora of other exercise equipment right in my own room but there it sits, collecting dust day after day while I sit on the couch day after day vowing to return to it the next day thinking, "I'll have more energy tomorrow," or "tomorrow won't be nearly as stressful".  I've had to take a good hard look at some of the habits and routines I have in my life and what things aren't working for me.  I have to have some major work done on my car tomorrow which is costing a pretty penny - money that, had I not gone hogwild in college I would have set aside in an emergency fund - realizing that I need to pay off my debt which means an extra job which means ZERO time which MEANS (get to the point already right?!).....I'm going to have to MAKE time to work out.  It's going to have to become a priority this next year or this weight will never come off.  Granted there's other habits that need to change too and I'm working on them (granted they'll be easier to manage once I have more income...eating healthy is NOT cheap!!!).

It has been a long road, looking back from 2000-2010 - I've lived in 3 states, 11 different houses, dated 7 guys, had 3 cars (none totaled or wrecked just sold or given away....), 'buried' 2 pets (we never found out what happened to Tigger and we spread Jeb's ashes), graduated from HS and college, and done lots of growing up.  I'm ready for the next 10 years, whatever they may hold. It's been a long road, but my journey isn't over yet. It never will be.  "I've got faith to believe I can do anything....I've got faith, faith of the heart".

Walls

I heard this song back when Friday Night Lights was coming back (in the summer - I don't even watch the show, but the song they played with the trailer caught my attention) and at the time I felt a real connection to the message. Check it out.

To me it has real relevance to where I am in life and in my weight loss journey.  I have put up walls between me and my family, my friends and pretty much everyone - to keep me safe from being rejected.  Those walls are fat.  It's easier to be shunned because of weight than to be rejected because they don't like who I am, which I have slowly started to accept who I am, my personalitiy, likes, dislikes and just be me.  I have had a hard time all my life NOT being accepted...moving senior year of high school didn't really help much and as weird as this sounds, it's become kind of a default - when I don't feel accepted in a particular place, I'd rather move than keep trying to become accepted and finding new people to hang out with who can appreciate all my quirks and flaws.  I had a really hard time with that here. When I initially moved here, I had a hard time fitting in with the singles group and so I eventually stopped going and interacting with people.  I have a really bad habit of letting past events dictate who I am, who I become and what I do, instead of getting over it and learning from it. 

So how does it relate to my weight? I use past rejection to keep myself stuck and not work out. (granted part of it is I HATE to feel pain, although I heard a quote that pain is what shows you that you're alive...still trying to wrap my head around that one...and another that what other people think about you is none of your business...think on that!! ) But mostly, it's accepting myself no matter my size, color, style, relationship status or whatever; using my strengths and not letting my weakness get the best of me.  While my weight loss may not be as dramatic as I'd like it to be, I'm making the changes that will last throughout the rest of my life and gaining tools that I can pass on to my kids (someday!) and other people who are struggling with their weight. 

It's about time....

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in Nashville with my family (sans sister and brother-in-law), instead of being vegetables and gorging on food, I decided to start a new tradition - doing a 5k Thanksgiving morning.  My mom, my aunt and my cousin had never done one and my dad had done one many moons ago.  We ALL completed it in less than an hour - my SECOND one for 2010 and I beat my time back in April.  I didn't eat quite so much dressing and hardly ANY dessert!   YAY ME!!

While in Nashville, my mom presented me with some old photos.  One of them was from my high school graduation trip to Destin, FL.  I was shocked at how skinny I was.   I showed the picture to one of my (male) friends who, after picking his jaw up off the floor and making a few awkward comments, made the observations that I was that skinny once and I can be again and furthermore, the reason I got to where I am no longer exists, so why am I struggling so much with losing weight?  Good point.   While the person may not physically be in my life anymore, the things he said still echo with me.  I have no problem imagining myself skinny again, but when it comes to actually doing the hard work and pushing myself, I always stop short.  I didn't always do that, but it seems to have become the norm in more areas in my life.  I am still trying to determine the point where the change happened and I think it was after my first Jury at FSU when I was told I need to change majors.   I thought I had gotten past that, but apparrently there's some unresolevd issues that still demand attention.   I think I need to do a Pathways activity and write down all those old "tapes" and things he used to tell me about myself and replace them with new positive things, as for the lack of motivation and discipline....I'm going to need some help with conquering that beast. 

On a more positive note....I dropped a size!! YAY! A week after I bought new jeans they were already starting to become loose.  Too bad I don't have the cash to support my new clothes habit.

Progress

Ok, let me first apologize for being AWOL for a month.  In that time I have lost 6 pounds and 5 pounds of body fat!! (that's what really counts and makes the difference in how your clothes fit - I like that one a LOT).  I've also made some other changes - I don't clean my plate anymore (HUGE success) and I have suddenly become a LOT less consumed with food and eating all the time.  I have found it is a lot easier to stop eating when I'm thinking about something else or doing something else (which, yes, I know is a big no-no) but I can stop myself from eating everything in site ( for once!)

I'm still working on the drinking more water thing -its such a hard switch to go to only water and to stop drinking soda, but the more I drink them, the less appealing they are. One thing that I'm finding extremely helpful is to replace a bad habit with a good one.  For instance, instead of making and eating junk, I watch shows on Food Network like "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" and I watch THEM eat it and think about how much fat, calories, sugar, sodium, etc go into it and I'm content to watch from afar (but mentally make a note to visit the restaurant and have whatever concoction the chef, critic, whatever is raving about).  I've also started reading again - another thing to take my mind off my stomach...and no I'm not reading diet books, exercise books or anything like that.  I've picked up Twilight (TEAM EDWARD!!) and I'm making a list of other books to read for pleasure.  It takes my mind off my stomach (and weight) and transports me.....here I am rambling about Twilight on a food blog. What am I thinking!?

So the battle still continues - its still hard to motivate myself to go to Curves after 9 and 10 hour days at work, last week wasn't particularly great, but tomorrow starts a new week and new opportunities to make a change.  My goal: work out tomorrow. Then the next day, then the next....

"Do what you can with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt.

Sometimes you don't know what you've lost till you see someone else find it.

Ok so we all know that I'm addicted to junk food, books and Bob and Jillian.  Tonight on Losing it with Jillian the lady on it really opened my eyes to how I've been living my life and how I've given up.  When she broke down she said she didn't have anything else left to give - the house was a wreck and she had given up.  After a talk with one of my good friends I realized that I had given up but I wasn't exactly sure how to go back to actually living.  But hearing this woman say she had nothing left to give made me realize that's how I have been ever since I moved here, I don't open up to people because I feel I have nothing to give, nothing to bring to the table because my past relationship experience drained me of any feeling - including loving and caring for myself.  I know its about taking one step at a time, setting small goals, dealing ACTUALLY dealing with the emotion, the feeling, the pain, the hurt that relationship caused me and finding other outlets to LIVE my life - singing on the praise team has been a big one, studying for the GRE has been another - giving myself a dream and goal and striving to achieve it.  Its going to take time but I have to realize its a journey - there is no finish line - these changes I make I am trying to make for life.

Life law #7 : "Life is managed, not cured"

Tonight has been all about weight loss as a journey, not a finish line. I did a weight loss class at curves tonight - the first of 7.  It talked about weight loss as a lifelong journey - the fact that you can't maintain a caloric intake of 1200 calories a day - you'll stay on a diet the rest of your life!!  The Biggest Loser also talked about weight loss as a journey as all the contestants were focused on final four and reaching their weight loss goal, but as Bob talked about, you have to make a commitment to live this way the rest of your life - not exercising 8 hours a day, but eating the right foods and moving.  They showed the pictures of the before and after and the videos of each really had a strong impact on me.  All the things they talked about - not wanting to get up, feeling invisible, wanting so much to have someone to share and experience life with, but about having to love yourself first, it all hits home with me. I miss getting hugs, having someone to come home to, someone to share my days and weekends with.  The point was made tonight that you can't let setbacks keep you down - its just like riding a bike - you pick yourself back up and try again.  That's what I'm going to do - but I can't keep half-heartedly doing this - sure working out is working out no matter how many times you go -but if you still consume junk food at each meal you're not going to get anywhere.   So below are my 'trigger' foods- those foods that I know I can't eat in moderation.

1. Pizza                           8. Chips and salsa/queso/guac
2. Donuts                        9. Soda  - namely Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew
3. Cookies                    10. Chocolate
4. Fries                         11. My mom's chicken spaghetti
5. Pasta                        12. Mac and Cheese
6. Bread                       13. Chinese!!
7. Bacon

This also encompasses junk food - Sonic, McDonald's, Burger King - basically any place with a drive thru. My goal is going to be not to have any of these foods the rest of the week - or at least until Sunday when I have my last meal before going on the curves food plan (suggestions and company welcome) which surprisingly I'm actually looking forward to - the way they presented it tonight was easy, straightforward and very easy to follow if you plan ahead.  So stay tuned for those meals - the favorites and the no so favorites. 

By the way...this marks the first time that I have done the exercise/eat better thing fairly consistenly for the first time since I was skinny. That's a HUGE deal!!!

Celebrate the small :)

Payoffs....feel good or real good?

Everything we do we do for a reason.  We get some sort of payoff from it.  For instance: when I eat junk food or stuff that isn't good for me, the payoff I get is control.  When I avoid responsibility (cleaning my room, doing a budget) the payoff I get is control once again - doing what I want to do when I want to do it.  Both of these are feel good payoffs.  If I wanted a real good payoff- I would eat what I should, exercise (push myself more), clean my room and not procrastinate. 

I have been house sitting this weekend for my friends from Pathways.  She said I could help myself to whatever food they had.  I opened the cabinet and I was immediately met with processed food - packaged rice, candies, chocolate, processed sugar, cheese, fatty foods, fried foods and incredibly unhealthy stuff.  The more I ate, the worse I felt.  It was incredible how automatic those reactions to food were - if it was available I wanted it - no matter what my body was telling me.  She didn't have leashes or anything for her dogs (if she did, she didn't tell me where they were) so walking the dogs was out of the question.  So the only thing to do was to sit in front of the TV.  Don't get my wrong, I love them to death, but as far as my health is concerned, I just couldn't do it.  I wanted to make healthy alternatives with what they had but it was HARD!  I came home today to fish in the freezer, whole grain waffles, no refined sugar or processed foods - nothing.   It was an eye opening experience for me to know what my autopilot is and to know how little discipline I actually have when it comes to eating.   But the great thing is that tomorrow is a new day- I can pick myself back up again and keep moving forward. 

I want the real good payoff and the real good result - more energy, better hair, better skin, loose fitting clothes, more activity, more mobility, more flexibility, a guarantee (sort of) that I will be here and that my weight and health problems will not keep me from living my life and achieving my dreams. 

The results are in!!!!

I had my first official weigh in at curves yesterday....my starting weight was 271 pounds and my current weight is 267 pounds.  I lost 4 pounds, 5 inches, and 3.25 pounds of body fat.  My total percent of weight loss is 1.48% (calculate your percentage here.)  Its a start.  I'm still working on curbing those cravings for fast food and soda.  I am proud to say I have not had a soda in 2 days, I'm working on drinking more water - it is the stuff of life - it can have so many affects on your body if you don't have enough.   So stop reading right now and go get a glass of water - finish it before you come back.  Go on!!

One of my good friends from Pathways is also embarking on a weight loss journey and blogging about it (you can find it here)  in his first post he makes a good point about the cost of food and weight loss and the ease of it (its why its so easy to turn to fast food in a pinch.  I mean come on, the dollar menu - every fast food place has one - Wendy's McDonald's, Burger King, Sonic, Jack in the Box...and with combo meals, its even harder NOT to avoid them.  I used to eat junk food 24/8 (EVERY time I saw one I would stop - well, ok not quite, but just about) I ate it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack (which would end up being more like second dinner).  Any food that was 'free' (meaning I didn't have to pay for it) I would gorge myself on - seconds, thirds, sneaking when people weren't looking, it was almost a challenge to see how fast I could scarf something down without anyone noticing and go back for more and more until I was absolutely stuffed.  Then somehow an hour later I would be hungry again.  I didn't understand it until I started taking a SERIOUS look at the quality of the food I was eating. (I think this was after watching the season 7 finale of biggest loser - first time to watch the show all the way through -- I picked up the show towards the end of season 6) What nutrients did this provide?  How much am I really eating? How many calories? What is actually in this (half the stuff I couldn't even pronounce - partially hydrogenated....what does that even mean? see here for a definition/ description ) I was shocked.  Then I started think about what my body needs to function - water for organ, blood, kidney and who knows what else, fiber to keep you full, protein to help build muscles, calcium for bones, then I started wondering how the body worked, like what things made it run, what things were essential for prime function and started consuming those things.  At the beginning of this year I vowed to eat better and exercise - I started the flat belly diet and didn't even make it a week - not for lack of trying, but for lack of comfort.  There was absolutely ZERO fiber in anything I ate which left me a little, umm...backed up for a week. You can imagine the discomfort.  So I started to wonder about the rest of the diet I looked in the cook book, about 5 recipes had more than 5 grams of fiber (recommended daily intake is about 25g).  Fiber helps you feel fuller longer.  I think I could become best friends with fiber so I started looking for those things with more fiber.  Then I got on this kick for less salt ( I won't say I'm a convert just yet, but Ms. Dash does go nicely with some food).  I've become EXTREMELY interested in the amount of sodium I consume - it adds up to water weight gain.  And weight gained is well, not where I want to be.  I've read articles, I have um...18 tabs pulled up for weight loss tips, exercises to work on trouble spots and build more strength in upper body and legs (my worst spots by far) I read books (as mentioned in a previous post) and I have started to realize that while all those cooking shows may seem glamorous (or maybe that's just me) the fat content and calories may not be the best.  I watched part of Tyler Florence today.  I could barely stand it. My mouth was watering, I could almost taste what he was making.   After my little experiment with my fast food bill counting,  I realized that with as much as I spend on fast food PER month I could spend just as much (if not less) on getting good for me foods with better nutrients.  As anyone will tell you after they've 'gone over' you really can tell a difference when you start to eat better.  If I had not eaten out so much I could have paid more down on my debt (which sad to say is mostly fast food on them....so I'm paying off a meal that I consumed about 4 years ago - one reason why I'm DONE with credit). 

So I'm challenging you this week - examine where your money is REALLY going - count your calories or at least start keeping track of EVERY thing you put in your body whether it be food or drink - use household objects as measurments - for example just now I had one Eskimo Joes cup of water (for you non-Okies, it's 16oz).  I had one cereal bowl of cereal this morning and for lunch 3 mini- burritos approximately the size of an iPhone.  This gives you a starting ground to see how much you're really eating.  I challenge you to do the following eating method after detailing your food and beverage intake for one week...for each time you take a bite, put down your fork and chew your food 20 times (it was featured on Ruby - can't remember what its called).  I did it and have tried to do it for the past several meals - you get fuller a LOT faster.  For those junk-food junkies like myself, when you just can't seem to get enough, it really makes you focus on how much you are eating, the flavors and textures (the first week I did my food journal I went as far as to detail all the different flavors and textures: spicy, creamy, salty, chewy, soft, crunchy - if you REALLY want to get into it - do it -I think you'll like what you find - you find that a bacon cheeseburger doesn't taste NEARLY as good when you savor it as opposed to when you just wolf it down.)  This changed my eating forever. Once I started actually TASTING what I was eating, I began to realize I didn't like what I was eating and I didn't like the way it made me feel afterwards.

Buy an inexpensive small notebook and keep it wherever you go- you'll see where your weaknesses are - we'll talk about that later :)

Health and Wealth - are they related?

What a week!  Started off with a bang by getting a flat tire.  But this wasn't just ANY flat tire...this was a flat tire AND a bent wheel...we're talking bent beyond repair, not to mention the ruined wheel cover.   Luckily I had the tire certificates and my tire only cost me $18, but the rim and lug nuts ended up taking $89.19 from my already low paycheck.  Luckily I had planned on $85, but it's going to cut everything EXTREMELY close.   So this whole week I've been thinking about all week - my finances and how much our lives are dependent on our finances.   In an attempt to try and curb eating out I have started keeping every receipt from when I eat out, get starbucks or whatnot to see how much I spend on unhealthy food.  What I found was astounding.  I also did a little test this week, to see how I felt after each time I ate fast food DURING my workout.  I found I lacked energy, didn't meet my targets and tended not to push myself as hard.   I've been trying to remember what life was like when I was skinny (125 pounds) and even then I felt fat.  But I did learn something over the past few days - how much muscle I don't have.  When I have checked my progress after each work out, it shows a pie chart of all my muscles.  ALL have grown except bicep and tricep.  So I know where I need to work and I've always known that I don't have upper body strength, now I just gotta build on it and really work it during the weekends, so my mission is to have gained muscle by the end of next week when I will have my official weigh in at curves.  Stay tuned for the official weigh in!!

In it, to win it

I know its been a while since my last post, I've had several revelations in regards to food, eating, exercise and living a healthier lifestyle.   I watched the move Super Size Me this weekend with one of my skinny friends.  I loved it!! I had watched the "Behind the Scenes" once before in 'baby bio' in college and thought that was enough to keep me from eating McDonald's every now and then (boy was I wrong!!), I watched the movie and wow! There's so much information about how your body works, about calories, about nutrition and everything.  I can truthfully say I no longer want to eat fast food or have soda.  Not just because of the movie, but because I want to know, actually KNOW what is going in my body- not some crap chemical, processed junk,  I'm looking up articles about food, eating, ways to cut back, what I need to make my body function better.  Ever since I started exercising I have noticed a difference in my energy, in the way my clothes feel, in how I can get up from sitting.   I've been keeping track of what I eat, paying special attention to my sodium, fiber and protein- a cliff bar for dinner after a workout satisfies. 

I'm happy that I'm finally doing this for myself.  Not for my parents, not for my friends, not to impress some hormone-driven guy  This is for me and only me to be able to actually LIVE my life- to do stuff to not spend all day cooped up during the summer- I want to be active to play sports, do Frisbee, to look good in a skirt when I sing in front of church. There's so much I want from my life - to do, experience and I know that making this change is setting me up for success in the future, to reach all my dreams and goals and to be able to DEAL with setbacks and challenges without getting stressed.

I'm in it, for me.

Life changes - sometimes you can control it sometimes you can't, but its all in your attitude

They say your pay and your relationships are based on your size - I'm starting to believe that - it's like people think because you're overweight you don't care about yourself and as a result won't care about them or the relationship.  I get it. But for once my reasons to lose weight aren't to find prince charming or have sex appeal.  Its for me - to feel healthy, to have more energy, have better skin, and the list goes on.   Recently I joined curves (I said I would right? - how's that for follow through?!) I went every day last week that I could (except for Saturday - I slept too late). I didn't quite push myself, I was still trying to comprehend the fact that I was exercising and yes I did it for 5 days in a row from NOTHING.  So I started their little smart system and I actually pushed myself today. I hit all but 2 of my targets (23/25 - not bad).  It was discouraging to step on the scale sunday and not see results. I mean come on, I worked out every day - shouldn't that count for something? Then I took a good hard look at my eating habits.  "oh." High sodium, high sugar, high fat and almost ALL processed.  The more I studied what I ate the more I wondered, "What's really in this?" And decided it would be better to start cooking more.  So I have.  It has been well over a week since I have darkened the drive thru window for a combo - extra fat included.  I can't say that I miss it.  I did have 2 sodas and the way they made me feel was enough to quit and switch to water.  Even though I'm not where I thought I'd be, I've started making changes. Heck I'm even walking a 5k this weekend! As long as its something different right?  They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting the same results.  I'm proud of the changes I made and I'm finally doing them for the right reasons.

What's your greatest fear?

The training I went through almost 2 years ago started off one weekend with "What's your greatest fear?" Throughout the 4 months of training you learn to identify that fear and translate it into what you want in your life.  Tonight on the Biggest Loser they featured a song that touched my heart.  My weight has been my problem for about 4 years. MY problem - I have kept it MY problem, keeping the opinion that those who had a say didn't really know me or what I was dealing with and it didn't affect them.  After Rich Atchley's sermon a few weeks ago about how even sinning in private can affect someone, I see how that can be true.  I cheated myself out of opportunities, my friends out of time with me, boyfriends out of who I really am, good moments with everyone.  I let my fear of failure, of rejection, of abandonment drive the way I live my life.  The song featured was called "Walk on Water" by Britt Nicole. Here's a bit of the chorus:

" What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities trying to hold to you..."

I thought it was incredibly fitting to be on a weight loss show.  What do I have to lose? Fear, insecurities, doubt, bad relationships, the past, baggage - every pound of weight I have to lose stands for something to get rid of to make me into the person God wants me to be.

"You know you're made for more don't be afraid to move, your faith is all it takes...."

"I dare YOU to move..." - Switchfoot.

Reasons and not the candy.....

One of the book I'm reading about weight loss talks about the emotional hunger people experience and how that relates to the amount of food we eat. For me, I can't think of a time after my freshman year when I didn't eat in front of the TV, playing video games or simply not paying enough attention to what I was putting in my mouth and how much.  During the majority of those years I was dating - different guys up until my Junior year in the College of Music. When I started dating "T" my world revolved around him and his world revolved around world of warcraft-when he ate, when he slept, when he showered, when he decided to be social, who he interacted with and since I wanted to spend time with him, I made his life my life and picked up the same habit of eating whenever and however much he ate.  The more time I spent with him, the more sedentary I got and the more weight I gained, not just from eating junk and being lazy but because I had emotions and feelings that I couldn't express to him because he wasn't there.  I gained a significant amount of weight during the time we dated and even after. I have gained 20 pounds since moving here 7 months ago. I know why. There is that emotional hunger of wanting companionship with friends, with guys, to be with people who are genuinely interested in me and my well being; who listen and understand and aren't just in it for themselves. I sit and eat in front of the TV to avoid my marital status.  I was in a wedding this past weekend and I have never been more aware of my marital status - almost all the wedding party was married and that was all anyone talked about which left me out in the dark because I'm not there and I've never been there.  When I come home from work there is no one there to greet me, no one to cook for, no one to share my day with - not even a pet! Its so much simpler to just turn off and turn the TV on than to take care of myself, to invest in relationships and to forgive my past.  I know what I need, but finding that group and that schedule with my work schedule is proving to be quite difficult. I know if I can get involved in OA, join curves and maintain the other activities I do, eating by myself wouldn't be such a problem and a challenge. I have all the right resources, its time to stop making excuses and just do it!

Food....AND book addict??!

I love books. I love libraries and bookstores and could probably spend a vast majority of time in them.  I have recently become obsessed....well, maybe not quite obsessed, but particularly interested and engrossed in weight management, weight loss, dieting, exercising and the like.  I have 18 books (majority of them purchased in the past 6 months) on dieting, fitness, and exercising, not to mention the countless unread issues of Women's Health and Self. I am worlds worst when it comes to following through on something. I've started approximately half of them and have yet to finish one.  And yes I went out today once I saw the newest Biggest Loser book and bought it.  However I had an epiphany on my way home because I came to this realization that I feel like I never have time to do anything that I want to do.  However I always have time to plop down in front of the couch and watch all my DVR'd shows (and even ones that aren't).  So my goal is not to watch TV tonight, which is fine because nothing is on.  I want to make some progress on my reading and losing weight.  It's like that saying what is most important to you is what you spend the majority of your time doing.  I've started to realize how important losing weight has to become to me to actually see results.  I'm not quite sure what's holding me back from taking that first step and taking a walk around the park, going to the gym in my apartment complex and walking on the treadmill or popping in one of my 6 workout DVDs or going through the books and printouts I have and making a plan. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to devote my time and energy to weight loss because my life and health should be the most important thing to me right? If I had made it my priority when I first moved here, I could have lost a significant amount of weight already.  But that's the past right?  I'm going to be productive.

Day 1 - What do you want?

I remember almost 2 years ago when I went through a training called Pathways in Dallas, from the very moment I set foot in the room the question asked of me over and over again, "What do you want?" Throughout that journey, it changed from self-respect to confidence but every bit of it rested on my weight. "Oh to be skinny again..." I would often daydream. "How my life would be different!! Guys would be more attracted to me, I wouldn't be judged by people at work or people in certain social circles I interact with. Oh to be skinny again...."

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me give you my story. I started off growing up skinny, I ate healthy, was involved in softball, basketball, tennis. I had a good relationship with my parents and if I did splurge, I knew I would walk it off or burn it off. When my family moved to Florida, things changed. Even though I was skinny, I still had a hard time fitting in. I used to sit in my car and eat lunch. This was the beginning of the downward spiral. No one could see the food I put in my mouth...no one could see me period. After I graduated High School, I started college, went through an EXTREMELY rough break up during which I didn't tell anyone about how I really felt...everything I felt, I ate. And I ate, and I ate. I gained the "freshman 15" after being at school only about 3 months. Sure I dated but I didn't maintain the active lifestyle I had. Break up after break up only to stuff my feelings with food. It was the only thing that was "good" to me. It didn't change, it was always there. Then I met HIM. Long story short...we both tried to change each other...3 and a half miserable years he thought he could make me skinny. Here I am halfway across the country from him and I STILL gained weight. Something about my lifestyle just keeps me from taking care of myself.

My struggle is overeating, my weakness: junk food. My job is not your typical 8-5...its 6:30 or 7 til 5:30 sometimes 6. Eating on the run is a way of life. Working out...well it just doesn't work. After stepping on the scale this morning and looking at numbers from 2 months ago I was shocked and appalled at the number of pounds I had gained. 20 pounds. Granted I understand there's some leeway given, I did move away from my parents for the first time, have very few friends and cooking healthy for one isn't always easy. I'm slowly starting to see my vices, where I need to change and that's the reason for the blog. I've started to become addicted to the Biggest Loser on NBC and seeing their strugges, seeing their perseverance has inspired a change in me. I want to describe every struggle, every food, every achievement every pound released (once I lose it, I don't want to find it again).

Hopefully this will help me on my journey to a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle