Challenges

This past week has proved to be very challenging for me both physically and emotionally. I was able to go the entire week without taking any pain medications (partially because I didn't need it and partially because I wanted to have enough to last until my appointment). But because of that, I didn't sleep very well at ALL this week. I did go out to IKEA with my sister and nephew and then to Grapevine Mills Mall, and I think with all the walking I might have overdone it.  I was exhausted by the time I got home and feeling extremely dizzy and weak.  Tried to take a nap but sleep wouldn't come. I met my friend LeighAnn for dinner and barely ate anything (and for those of you that know me know this is not me at all!) Towards the end of the meal, I began to feel really nauseous and ended up throwing up on the way to my car :(  Spent all day Saturday in bed trying to recover.  Still don't have my appetite back and still feeling nauseous with a headache.  I did look up the side effects of the pain medication I'm taking and all these symptoms I'm having are side effects. :(  12 more days then hopefully the doctor I see will prescribe a new medication.

I've also had a really hard time with being selfish lately.  This was something I asked for prayers for at home church on Thursday night - just not feeling myself, feeling irritable and wanting things to be about me.  I've had a hard time also with trying to make everyone happy with regards to my appointments and all that - it's not easy considering the schedules of people at work, Jon, my parents and all the while enduring the pain and sleeplessness.  I became really overwhelmed this week with the frustration of it all and just broke down. Luckily I have been blessed with an INCREDIBLY caring group of friends and an amazing boyfriend who just listened to me. 

Since I was feeling under the weather yesterday, I stayed at home and watched church services via stream.  Rick's lesson was amazing as usual and it prompted Jon to go forward for prayers for us and my surgery. The elder he talked to was very understanding and had found out about the fundraiser in a couple weeks and since he was not going to be able to make it, he donated right then and there.  $200!!!! When Jon told me, I was blown away. Talk about God providing! I know this will be an incredibly difficult season for me to accept monetary gifts and the help of friends and family when there are things I can't do for myself. I know God is using this to demonstrate His power and to show me that it's okay to depend on people and that He will carry me through all this.  It's easy to forget that sometimes and think that I'm on this journey alone - it's hard to explain to people the type and intensity of the pain that I'm having, it's hard to be honest without sounding needy or like I'm complaining or even bitter.

The journey is far from over and I can use all the encouragement I can get!!!

Blessings

I am incredibly lucky blessed! After opening up to home church on Thursday night, I have received SO many blessings since. My best friend Shelley, has offered to help me with some housework and washing my hair tomorrow.  She has also been working with my boyfriend Jon to plan a fundraiser to help pay for my surgery! When I was in a LOT of pain last night, Jon prayed over me and read scriptures to me.  I also had several friends join Jon and I in the lounge last night for church since I can't sit in the chairs with the rest of the assembly.  While this may be a very difficult experience, I could not have asked for a better group of friends to support me and encourage me.

This has kind of thrown a kink in my 28 by 28 goals. I know there's still about 9 months left and that's plenty of time to do things, but that all depends on when the surgery is. It's hard to keep a positive attitude when so much of what I want to do is going to be put on hold with this surgery. But it's like Jon said last night, this is all temporary; what I've got to do is look for ways that God's glory can be shown through all this.  That's not easy sometimes. It's a lot easier to throw a pity party and want sympathy from people than to be strong and trust in the Lord.

Waiting sucks!

Well, I've got the initial consult appt scheduled - June 8. Now the waiting period begins.  I got a call today confirming they got my x-rays. I've got a LOT of paperwork to do before then.  I've talked with my boss to get things rolling in terms of HR and leave and all that.

But what really sucks is when you have to have other people do things for you because you can't do them anymore because of the pain. It feels like you lose a little bit of yourself; your independence and even a little bit of zest for life. Luckily I have amazing friends (and boyfriend) who are helping me through this and an amazing family who is incredibly supportive.  It's going to be a struggle for me to lay down my pride and ask for help when I need it instead of suffering.