I'm SO excited - Sunday night was the return of Ruby. In just the first 10 minutes I have already realized how many similarities I have with her. My last relationship was conditional - everything was based on my weight; if I did this, then.... He was also unavailable in the physical sense (being physically present in the relationship) and emotional sense - he was always sleeping or playing video games. Literally. We fought a lot, and had a lot of major differences. But because he was the guy I was with the longest I thought I knew what love really was. In hearing all this about Ruby it really makes me look within and think about what brought me to the weight I am (or was over a year ago) and a lot of it had to do with not being physically active and the lifestyle he encouraged (video games 24/7). Another part of it had to do with feeling un-accepted at Chiles when I moved when I was at my lightest. I'm gradually learning to accept responsibility for how I've contributed to my weight gain - not being physically active, eating junk, not expressing my feelings instead of eating them, not learning to deal with tough scenarios instead of running away and eating.
One thing I'm really struggling with is still working out. I have all the reasons in the world to work out - I know all the benefits - I have an image of how I want to look - I have events coming up that I want to look thinner for but when it comes to setting foot in curves there's something that scares me to death. I haven't been able to figure out what it is - even doing work out videos - I can start but then there's this fear that wells up inside me - I can't explain it or what I even feel - I know once I do go to curves I'm glad when I'm done - I'm glad I went. I can come up with about a million reasons or things that I can and should be doing instead of working out, but the reality is if I don't get this under control I won't be able to do those things. It's a struggle - a struggle to rid myself of all the negative tapes, to get rid of all the negative views I have on people and life.
On a lighter note, I'm in my old college roommate's wedding in June. I went and picked up my dress yesterday and decided to do a comparison from my dress last year that I had for Monica's wedding. The size difference? 5 SIZES SMALLER THIS YEAR!!!!!
I'm trying to eat better - so far I've gone almost 2 weeks without junk food, getting creative in the kitchen - it's all about baby steps right?
