What's your greatest fear?

The training I went through almost 2 years ago started off one weekend with "What's your greatest fear?" Throughout the 4 months of training you learn to identify that fear and translate it into what you want in your life.  Tonight on the Biggest Loser they featured a song that touched my heart.  My weight has been my problem for about 4 years. MY problem - I have kept it MY problem, keeping the opinion that those who had a say didn't really know me or what I was dealing with and it didn't affect them.  After Rich Atchley's sermon a few weeks ago about how even sinning in private can affect someone, I see how that can be true.  I cheated myself out of opportunities, my friends out of time with me, boyfriends out of who I really am, good moments with everyone.  I let my fear of failure, of rejection, of abandonment drive the way I live my life.  The song featured was called "Walk on Water" by Britt Nicole. Here's a bit of the chorus:

" What are you waiting for? What do you have to lose? Your insecurities trying to hold to you..."

I thought it was incredibly fitting to be on a weight loss show.  What do I have to lose? Fear, insecurities, doubt, bad relationships, the past, baggage - every pound of weight I have to lose stands for something to get rid of to make me into the person God wants me to be.

"You know you're made for more don't be afraid to move, your faith is all it takes...."

"I dare YOU to move..." - Switchfoot.

Reasons and not the candy.....

One of the book I'm reading about weight loss talks about the emotional hunger people experience and how that relates to the amount of food we eat. For me, I can't think of a time after my freshman year when I didn't eat in front of the TV, playing video games or simply not paying enough attention to what I was putting in my mouth and how much.  During the majority of those years I was dating - different guys up until my Junior year in the College of Music. When I started dating "T" my world revolved around him and his world revolved around world of warcraft-when he ate, when he slept, when he showered, when he decided to be social, who he interacted with and since I wanted to spend time with him, I made his life my life and picked up the same habit of eating whenever and however much he ate.  The more time I spent with him, the more sedentary I got and the more weight I gained, not just from eating junk and being lazy but because I had emotions and feelings that I couldn't express to him because he wasn't there.  I gained a significant amount of weight during the time we dated and even after. I have gained 20 pounds since moving here 7 months ago. I know why. There is that emotional hunger of wanting companionship with friends, with guys, to be with people who are genuinely interested in me and my well being; who listen and understand and aren't just in it for themselves. I sit and eat in front of the TV to avoid my marital status.  I was in a wedding this past weekend and I have never been more aware of my marital status - almost all the wedding party was married and that was all anyone talked about which left me out in the dark because I'm not there and I've never been there.  When I come home from work there is no one there to greet me, no one to cook for, no one to share my day with - not even a pet! Its so much simpler to just turn off and turn the TV on than to take care of myself, to invest in relationships and to forgive my past.  I know what I need, but finding that group and that schedule with my work schedule is proving to be quite difficult. I know if I can get involved in OA, join curves and maintain the other activities I do, eating by myself wouldn't be such a problem and a challenge. I have all the right resources, its time to stop making excuses and just do it!

Food....AND book addict??!

I love books. I love libraries and bookstores and could probably spend a vast majority of time in them.  I have recently become obsessed....well, maybe not quite obsessed, but particularly interested and engrossed in weight management, weight loss, dieting, exercising and the like.  I have 18 books (majority of them purchased in the past 6 months) on dieting, fitness, and exercising, not to mention the countless unread issues of Women's Health and Self. I am worlds worst when it comes to following through on something. I've started approximately half of them and have yet to finish one.  And yes I went out today once I saw the newest Biggest Loser book and bought it.  However I had an epiphany on my way home because I came to this realization that I feel like I never have time to do anything that I want to do.  However I always have time to plop down in front of the couch and watch all my DVR'd shows (and even ones that aren't).  So my goal is not to watch TV tonight, which is fine because nothing is on.  I want to make some progress on my reading and losing weight.  It's like that saying what is most important to you is what you spend the majority of your time doing.  I've started to realize how important losing weight has to become to me to actually see results.  I'm not quite sure what's holding me back from taking that first step and taking a walk around the park, going to the gym in my apartment complex and walking on the treadmill or popping in one of my 6 workout DVDs or going through the books and printouts I have and making a plan. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to devote my time and energy to weight loss because my life and health should be the most important thing to me right? If I had made it my priority when I first moved here, I could have lost a significant amount of weight already.  But that's the past right?  I'm going to be productive.

Day 1 - What do you want?

I remember almost 2 years ago when I went through a training called Pathways in Dallas, from the very moment I set foot in the room the question asked of me over and over again, "What do you want?" Throughout that journey, it changed from self-respect to confidence but every bit of it rested on my weight. "Oh to be skinny again..." I would often daydream. "How my life would be different!! Guys would be more attracted to me, I wouldn't be judged by people at work or people in certain social circles I interact with. Oh to be skinny again...."

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me give you my story. I started off growing up skinny, I ate healthy, was involved in softball, basketball, tennis. I had a good relationship with my parents and if I did splurge, I knew I would walk it off or burn it off. When my family moved to Florida, things changed. Even though I was skinny, I still had a hard time fitting in. I used to sit in my car and eat lunch. This was the beginning of the downward spiral. No one could see the food I put in my mouth...no one could see me period. After I graduated High School, I started college, went through an EXTREMELY rough break up during which I didn't tell anyone about how I really felt...everything I felt, I ate. And I ate, and I ate. I gained the "freshman 15" after being at school only about 3 months. Sure I dated but I didn't maintain the active lifestyle I had. Break up after break up only to stuff my feelings with food. It was the only thing that was "good" to me. It didn't change, it was always there. Then I met HIM. Long story short...we both tried to change each other...3 and a half miserable years he thought he could make me skinny. Here I am halfway across the country from him and I STILL gained weight. Something about my lifestyle just keeps me from taking care of myself.

My struggle is overeating, my weakness: junk food. My job is not your typical 8-5...its 6:30 or 7 til 5:30 sometimes 6. Eating on the run is a way of life. Working out...well it just doesn't work. After stepping on the scale this morning and looking at numbers from 2 months ago I was shocked and appalled at the number of pounds I had gained. 20 pounds. Granted I understand there's some leeway given, I did move away from my parents for the first time, have very few friends and cooking healthy for one isn't always easy. I'm slowly starting to see my vices, where I need to change and that's the reason for the blog. I've started to become addicted to the Biggest Loser on NBC and seeing their strugges, seeing their perseverance has inspired a change in me. I want to describe every struggle, every food, every achievement every pound released (once I lose it, I don't want to find it again).

Hopefully this will help me on my journey to a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle