"....gettin' from there to here. It's been a long time but my time is finally near and I can feel a change in the wind right now, nothing's in my way and they're not going to hold me down no more, no they're not going to hold me down. Cause I've got faith of the heart. I'm going where my heart will take me. I've got faith to believe, I can do anything. I've got strength of the soul and no one is going to bend or break me. I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart" - Rod Stewart
I'm going to steal a bit from my friend Lynn's blog and do a bit from a song. This was one of the 'Pathways songs' and for some reason this song was on my heart for the past couple of nights. I guess it should be, tomorrow is the last day of the year. And what a year it's been. I vowed to start losing weight and yes, I've started, I've dropped a whole size...it's taken a year, but I've been through some pretty incredible processes in that year, learning about me, about what I want, where I want to go and I'm ready to fully embrace the new year with all the adventures it holds.
Tonight I had a little bit of a sad moment. After watching Hoarders (which inevitably ALWAYS happens) I wanted to go through and clean out EVERYTHING from my closet. So I started going through clothes, finding what I didn't wear, what I still wanted to wear but couldn't and I realized there were several articles of clothing that I dearly loved but could not wear anymore. It made me sad to have to put them up and to come to the realization that I thought I would be there now. I thought I would be at the point where I could wear some of that stuff and I can't. I know I've had a lot of drama going on in my life the past couple of months and I haven't been regular at curves. Sure I have workout DVDs here, two legs and a plethora of other exercise equipment right in my own room but there it sits, collecting dust day after day while I sit on the couch day after day vowing to return to it the next day thinking, "I'll have more energy tomorrow," or "tomorrow won't be nearly as stressful". I've had to take a good hard look at some of the habits and routines I have in my life and what things aren't working for me. I have to have some major work done on my car tomorrow which is costing a pretty penny - money that, had I not gone hogwild in college I would have set aside in an emergency fund - realizing that I need to pay off my debt which means an extra job which means ZERO time which MEANS (get to the point already right?!).....I'm going to have to MAKE time to work out. It's going to have to become a priority this next year or this weight will never come off. Granted there's other habits that need to change too and I'm working on them (granted they'll be easier to manage once I have more income...eating healthy is NOT cheap!!!).
It has been a long road, looking back from 2000-2010 - I've lived in 3 states, 11 different houses, dated 7 guys, had 3 cars (none totaled or wrecked just sold or given away....), 'buried' 2 pets (we never found out what happened to Tigger and we spread Jeb's ashes), graduated from HS and college, and done lots of growing up. I'm ready for the next 10 years, whatever they may hold. It's been a long road, but my journey isn't over yet. It never will be. "I've got faith to believe I can do anything....I've got faith, faith of the heart".
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Walls
I heard this song back when Friday Night Lights was coming back (in the summer - I don't even watch the show, but the song they played with the trailer caught my attention) and at the time I felt a real connection to the message. Check it out.
To me it has real relevance to where I am in life and in my weight loss journey. I have put up walls between me and my family, my friends and pretty much everyone - to keep me safe from being rejected. Those walls are fat. It's easier to be shunned because of weight than to be rejected because they don't like who I am, which I have slowly started to accept who I am, my personalitiy, likes, dislikes and just be me. I have had a hard time all my life NOT being accepted...moving senior year of high school didn't really help much and as weird as this sounds, it's become kind of a default - when I don't feel accepted in a particular place, I'd rather move than keep trying to become accepted and finding new people to hang out with who can appreciate all my quirks and flaws. I had a really hard time with that here. When I initially moved here, I had a hard time fitting in with the singles group and so I eventually stopped going and interacting with people. I have a really bad habit of letting past events dictate who I am, who I become and what I do, instead of getting over it and learning from it.
So how does it relate to my weight? I use past rejection to keep myself stuck and not work out. (granted part of it is I HATE to feel pain, although I heard a quote that pain is what shows you that you're alive...still trying to wrap my head around that one...and another that what other people think about you is none of your business...think on that!! ) But mostly, it's accepting myself no matter my size, color, style, relationship status or whatever; using my strengths and not letting my weakness get the best of me. While my weight loss may not be as dramatic as I'd like it to be, I'm making the changes that will last throughout the rest of my life and gaining tools that I can pass on to my kids (someday!) and other people who are struggling with their weight.
To me it has real relevance to where I am in life and in my weight loss journey. I have put up walls between me and my family, my friends and pretty much everyone - to keep me safe from being rejected. Those walls are fat. It's easier to be shunned because of weight than to be rejected because they don't like who I am, which I have slowly started to accept who I am, my personalitiy, likes, dislikes and just be me. I have had a hard time all my life NOT being accepted...moving senior year of high school didn't really help much and as weird as this sounds, it's become kind of a default - when I don't feel accepted in a particular place, I'd rather move than keep trying to become accepted and finding new people to hang out with who can appreciate all my quirks and flaws. I had a really hard time with that here. When I initially moved here, I had a hard time fitting in with the singles group and so I eventually stopped going and interacting with people. I have a really bad habit of letting past events dictate who I am, who I become and what I do, instead of getting over it and learning from it.
So how does it relate to my weight? I use past rejection to keep myself stuck and not work out. (granted part of it is I HATE to feel pain, although I heard a quote that pain is what shows you that you're alive...still trying to wrap my head around that one...and another that what other people think about you is none of your business...think on that!! ) But mostly, it's accepting myself no matter my size, color, style, relationship status or whatever; using my strengths and not letting my weakness get the best of me. While my weight loss may not be as dramatic as I'd like it to be, I'm making the changes that will last throughout the rest of my life and gaining tools that I can pass on to my kids (someday!) and other people who are struggling with their weight.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
It's about time....
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in Nashville with my family (sans sister and brother-in-law), instead of being vegetables and gorging on food, I decided to start a new tradition - doing a 5k Thanksgiving morning. My mom, my aunt and my cousin had never done one and my dad had done one many moons ago. We ALL completed it in less than an hour - my SECOND one for 2010 and I beat my time back in April. I didn't eat quite so much dressing and hardly ANY dessert! YAY ME!!
While in Nashville, my mom presented me with some old photos. One of them was from my high school graduation trip to Destin, FL. I was shocked at how skinny I was. I showed the picture to one of my (male) friends who, after picking his jaw up off the floor and making a few awkward comments, made the observations that I was that skinny once and I can be again and furthermore, the reason I got to where I am no longer exists, so why am I struggling so much with losing weight? Good point. While the person may not physically be in my life anymore, the things he said still echo with me. I have no problem imagining myself skinny again, but when it comes to actually doing the hard work and pushing myself, I always stop short. I didn't always do that, but it seems to have become the norm in more areas in my life. I am still trying to determine the point where the change happened and I think it was after my first Jury at FSU when I was told I need to change majors. I thought I had gotten past that, but apparrently there's some unresolevd issues that still demand attention. I think I need to do a Pathways activity and write down all those old "tapes" and things he used to tell me about myself and replace them with new positive things, as for the lack of motivation and discipline....I'm going to need some help with conquering that beast.
On a more positive note....I dropped a size!! YAY! A week after I bought new jeans they were already starting to become loose. Too bad I don't have the cash to support my new clothes habit.
While in Nashville, my mom presented me with some old photos. One of them was from my high school graduation trip to Destin, FL. I was shocked at how skinny I was. I showed the picture to one of my (male) friends who, after picking his jaw up off the floor and making a few awkward comments, made the observations that I was that skinny once and I can be again and furthermore, the reason I got to where I am no longer exists, so why am I struggling so much with losing weight? Good point. While the person may not physically be in my life anymore, the things he said still echo with me. I have no problem imagining myself skinny again, but when it comes to actually doing the hard work and pushing myself, I always stop short. I didn't always do that, but it seems to have become the norm in more areas in my life. I am still trying to determine the point where the change happened and I think it was after my first Jury at FSU when I was told I need to change majors. I thought I had gotten past that, but apparrently there's some unresolevd issues that still demand attention. I think I need to do a Pathways activity and write down all those old "tapes" and things he used to tell me about myself and replace them with new positive things, as for the lack of motivation and discipline....I'm going to need some help with conquering that beast.
On a more positive note....I dropped a size!! YAY! A week after I bought new jeans they were already starting to become loose. Too bad I don't have the cash to support my new clothes habit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)