Day 1 - What do you want?

I remember almost 2 years ago when I went through a training called Pathways in Dallas, from the very moment I set foot in the room the question asked of me over and over again, "What do you want?" Throughout that journey, it changed from self-respect to confidence but every bit of it rested on my weight. "Oh to be skinny again..." I would often daydream. "How my life would be different!! Guys would be more attracted to me, I wouldn't be judged by people at work or people in certain social circles I interact with. Oh to be skinny again...."

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me give you my story. I started off growing up skinny, I ate healthy, was involved in softball, basketball, tennis. I had a good relationship with my parents and if I did splurge, I knew I would walk it off or burn it off. When my family moved to Florida, things changed. Even though I was skinny, I still had a hard time fitting in. I used to sit in my car and eat lunch. This was the beginning of the downward spiral. No one could see the food I put in my mouth...no one could see me period. After I graduated High School, I started college, went through an EXTREMELY rough break up during which I didn't tell anyone about how I really felt...everything I felt, I ate. And I ate, and I ate. I gained the "freshman 15" after being at school only about 3 months. Sure I dated but I didn't maintain the active lifestyle I had. Break up after break up only to stuff my feelings with food. It was the only thing that was "good" to me. It didn't change, it was always there. Then I met HIM. Long story short...we both tried to change each other...3 and a half miserable years he thought he could make me skinny. Here I am halfway across the country from him and I STILL gained weight. Something about my lifestyle just keeps me from taking care of myself.

My struggle is overeating, my weakness: junk food. My job is not your typical 8-5...its 6:30 or 7 til 5:30 sometimes 6. Eating on the run is a way of life. Working out...well it just doesn't work. After stepping on the scale this morning and looking at numbers from 2 months ago I was shocked and appalled at the number of pounds I had gained. 20 pounds. Granted I understand there's some leeway given, I did move away from my parents for the first time, have very few friends and cooking healthy for one isn't always easy. I'm slowly starting to see my vices, where I need to change and that's the reason for the blog. I've started to become addicted to the Biggest Loser on NBC and seeing their strugges, seeing their perseverance has inspired a change in me. I want to describe every struggle, every food, every achievement every pound released (once I lose it, I don't want to find it again).

Hopefully this will help me on my journey to a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle