It's been a long road.......

"....gettin' from there to here.  It's been a long time but my time is finally near and I can feel a change in the wind right now, nothing's in my way and they're not going to hold me down no more, no they're not going to hold me down. Cause I've got faith of the heart. I'm going where my heart will take me. I've got faith to believe, I can do anything. I've got strength of the soul and no one is going to bend or break me. I can reach any star. I've got faith, faith of the heart" - Rod Stewart

I'm going to steal a bit from my friend Lynn's blog and do a bit from a song.  This was one of the 'Pathways songs'  and for some reason this song was on my heart for the past couple of nights.  I guess it should be, tomorrow is the last day of the year.  And what a year it's been.  I vowed to start losing weight and yes, I've started, I've dropped a whole size...it's taken a year, but I've been through some pretty incredible processes in that year, learning about me, about what I want, where I want to go and I'm ready to fully embrace the new year with all the adventures it holds.

Tonight I had a little bit of a sad moment.  After watching Hoarders (which inevitably ALWAYS happens) I wanted to go through and clean out EVERYTHING from my closet. So I started going through clothes, finding what I didn't wear, what I still wanted to wear but couldn't and I realized there were several articles of clothing that I dearly loved but could not wear anymore. It made me sad to have to put them up and to come to the realization that I thought I would be there now. I thought I would be at the point where I could wear some of that stuff and I can't. I know I've had a lot of drama going on in my life the past couple of months and I haven't been regular at curves.  Sure I have workout DVDs here, two legs and a plethora of other exercise equipment right in my own room but there it sits, collecting dust day after day while I sit on the couch day after day vowing to return to it the next day thinking, "I'll have more energy tomorrow," or "tomorrow won't be nearly as stressful".  I've had to take a good hard look at some of the habits and routines I have in my life and what things aren't working for me.  I have to have some major work done on my car tomorrow which is costing a pretty penny - money that, had I not gone hogwild in college I would have set aside in an emergency fund - realizing that I need to pay off my debt which means an extra job which means ZERO time which MEANS (get to the point already right?!).....I'm going to have to MAKE time to work out.  It's going to have to become a priority this next year or this weight will never come off.  Granted there's other habits that need to change too and I'm working on them (granted they'll be easier to manage once I have more income...eating healthy is NOT cheap!!!).

It has been a long road, looking back from 2000-2010 - I've lived in 3 states, 11 different houses, dated 7 guys, had 3 cars (none totaled or wrecked just sold or given away....), 'buried' 2 pets (we never found out what happened to Tigger and we spread Jeb's ashes), graduated from HS and college, and done lots of growing up.  I'm ready for the next 10 years, whatever they may hold. It's been a long road, but my journey isn't over yet. It never will be.  "I've got faith to believe I can do anything....I've got faith, faith of the heart".

Walls

I heard this song back when Friday Night Lights was coming back (in the summer - I don't even watch the show, but the song they played with the trailer caught my attention) and at the time I felt a real connection to the message. Check it out.

To me it has real relevance to where I am in life and in my weight loss journey.  I have put up walls between me and my family, my friends and pretty much everyone - to keep me safe from being rejected.  Those walls are fat.  It's easier to be shunned because of weight than to be rejected because they don't like who I am, which I have slowly started to accept who I am, my personalitiy, likes, dislikes and just be me.  I have had a hard time all my life NOT being accepted...moving senior year of high school didn't really help much and as weird as this sounds, it's become kind of a default - when I don't feel accepted in a particular place, I'd rather move than keep trying to become accepted and finding new people to hang out with who can appreciate all my quirks and flaws.  I had a really hard time with that here. When I initially moved here, I had a hard time fitting in with the singles group and so I eventually stopped going and interacting with people.  I have a really bad habit of letting past events dictate who I am, who I become and what I do, instead of getting over it and learning from it. 

So how does it relate to my weight? I use past rejection to keep myself stuck and not work out. (granted part of it is I HATE to feel pain, although I heard a quote that pain is what shows you that you're alive...still trying to wrap my head around that one...and another that what other people think about you is none of your business...think on that!! ) But mostly, it's accepting myself no matter my size, color, style, relationship status or whatever; using my strengths and not letting my weakness get the best of me.  While my weight loss may not be as dramatic as I'd like it to be, I'm making the changes that will last throughout the rest of my life and gaining tools that I can pass on to my kids (someday!) and other people who are struggling with their weight. 

It's about time....

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving in Nashville with my family (sans sister and brother-in-law), instead of being vegetables and gorging on food, I decided to start a new tradition - doing a 5k Thanksgiving morning.  My mom, my aunt and my cousin had never done one and my dad had done one many moons ago.  We ALL completed it in less than an hour - my SECOND one for 2010 and I beat my time back in April.  I didn't eat quite so much dressing and hardly ANY dessert!   YAY ME!!

While in Nashville, my mom presented me with some old photos.  One of them was from my high school graduation trip to Destin, FL.  I was shocked at how skinny I was.   I showed the picture to one of my (male) friends who, after picking his jaw up off the floor and making a few awkward comments, made the observations that I was that skinny once and I can be again and furthermore, the reason I got to where I am no longer exists, so why am I struggling so much with losing weight?  Good point.   While the person may not physically be in my life anymore, the things he said still echo with me.  I have no problem imagining myself skinny again, but when it comes to actually doing the hard work and pushing myself, I always stop short.  I didn't always do that, but it seems to have become the norm in more areas in my life.  I am still trying to determine the point where the change happened and I think it was after my first Jury at FSU when I was told I need to change majors.   I thought I had gotten past that, but apparrently there's some unresolevd issues that still demand attention.   I think I need to do a Pathways activity and write down all those old "tapes" and things he used to tell me about myself and replace them with new positive things, as for the lack of motivation and discipline....I'm going to need some help with conquering that beast. 

On a more positive note....I dropped a size!! YAY! A week after I bought new jeans they were already starting to become loose.  Too bad I don't have the cash to support my new clothes habit.

Progress

Ok, let me first apologize for being AWOL for a month.  In that time I have lost 6 pounds and 5 pounds of body fat!! (that's what really counts and makes the difference in how your clothes fit - I like that one a LOT).  I've also made some other changes - I don't clean my plate anymore (HUGE success) and I have suddenly become a LOT less consumed with food and eating all the time.  I have found it is a lot easier to stop eating when I'm thinking about something else or doing something else (which, yes, I know is a big no-no) but I can stop myself from eating everything in site ( for once!)

I'm still working on the drinking more water thing -its such a hard switch to go to only water and to stop drinking soda, but the more I drink them, the less appealing they are. One thing that I'm finding extremely helpful is to replace a bad habit with a good one.  For instance, instead of making and eating junk, I watch shows on Food Network like "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" and I watch THEM eat it and think about how much fat, calories, sugar, sodium, etc go into it and I'm content to watch from afar (but mentally make a note to visit the restaurant and have whatever concoction the chef, critic, whatever is raving about).  I've also started reading again - another thing to take my mind off my stomach...and no I'm not reading diet books, exercise books or anything like that.  I've picked up Twilight (TEAM EDWARD!!) and I'm making a list of other books to read for pleasure.  It takes my mind off my stomach (and weight) and transports me.....here I am rambling about Twilight on a food blog. What am I thinking!?

So the battle still continues - its still hard to motivate myself to go to Curves after 9 and 10 hour days at work, last week wasn't particularly great, but tomorrow starts a new week and new opportunities to make a change.  My goal: work out tomorrow. Then the next day, then the next....

"Do what you can with what you have, where you are." - Theodore Roosevelt.

Sometimes you don't know what you've lost till you see someone else find it.

Ok so we all know that I'm addicted to junk food, books and Bob and Jillian.  Tonight on Losing it with Jillian the lady on it really opened my eyes to how I've been living my life and how I've given up.  When she broke down she said she didn't have anything else left to give - the house was a wreck and she had given up.  After a talk with one of my good friends I realized that I had given up but I wasn't exactly sure how to go back to actually living.  But hearing this woman say she had nothing left to give made me realize that's how I have been ever since I moved here, I don't open up to people because I feel I have nothing to give, nothing to bring to the table because my past relationship experience drained me of any feeling - including loving and caring for myself.  I know its about taking one step at a time, setting small goals, dealing ACTUALLY dealing with the emotion, the feeling, the pain, the hurt that relationship caused me and finding other outlets to LIVE my life - singing on the praise team has been a big one, studying for the GRE has been another - giving myself a dream and goal and striving to achieve it.  Its going to take time but I have to realize its a journey - there is no finish line - these changes I make I am trying to make for life.

Life law #7 : "Life is managed, not cured"

Tonight has been all about weight loss as a journey, not a finish line. I did a weight loss class at curves tonight - the first of 7.  It talked about weight loss as a lifelong journey - the fact that you can't maintain a caloric intake of 1200 calories a day - you'll stay on a diet the rest of your life!!  The Biggest Loser also talked about weight loss as a journey as all the contestants were focused on final four and reaching their weight loss goal, but as Bob talked about, you have to make a commitment to live this way the rest of your life - not exercising 8 hours a day, but eating the right foods and moving.  They showed the pictures of the before and after and the videos of each really had a strong impact on me.  All the things they talked about - not wanting to get up, feeling invisible, wanting so much to have someone to share and experience life with, but about having to love yourself first, it all hits home with me. I miss getting hugs, having someone to come home to, someone to share my days and weekends with.  The point was made tonight that you can't let setbacks keep you down - its just like riding a bike - you pick yourself back up and try again.  That's what I'm going to do - but I can't keep half-heartedly doing this - sure working out is working out no matter how many times you go -but if you still consume junk food at each meal you're not going to get anywhere.   So below are my 'trigger' foods- those foods that I know I can't eat in moderation.

1. Pizza                           8. Chips and salsa/queso/guac
2. Donuts                        9. Soda  - namely Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew
3. Cookies                    10. Chocolate
4. Fries                         11. My mom's chicken spaghetti
5. Pasta                        12. Mac and Cheese
6. Bread                       13. Chinese!!
7. Bacon

This also encompasses junk food - Sonic, McDonald's, Burger King - basically any place with a drive thru. My goal is going to be not to have any of these foods the rest of the week - or at least until Sunday when I have my last meal before going on the curves food plan (suggestions and company welcome) which surprisingly I'm actually looking forward to - the way they presented it tonight was easy, straightforward and very easy to follow if you plan ahead.  So stay tuned for those meals - the favorites and the no so favorites. 

By the way...this marks the first time that I have done the exercise/eat better thing fairly consistenly for the first time since I was skinny. That's a HUGE deal!!!

Celebrate the small :)

Payoffs....feel good or real good?

Everything we do we do for a reason.  We get some sort of payoff from it.  For instance: when I eat junk food or stuff that isn't good for me, the payoff I get is control.  When I avoid responsibility (cleaning my room, doing a budget) the payoff I get is control once again - doing what I want to do when I want to do it.  Both of these are feel good payoffs.  If I wanted a real good payoff- I would eat what I should, exercise (push myself more), clean my room and not procrastinate. 

I have been house sitting this weekend for my friends from Pathways.  She said I could help myself to whatever food they had.  I opened the cabinet and I was immediately met with processed food - packaged rice, candies, chocolate, processed sugar, cheese, fatty foods, fried foods and incredibly unhealthy stuff.  The more I ate, the worse I felt.  It was incredible how automatic those reactions to food were - if it was available I wanted it - no matter what my body was telling me.  She didn't have leashes or anything for her dogs (if she did, she didn't tell me where they were) so walking the dogs was out of the question.  So the only thing to do was to sit in front of the TV.  Don't get my wrong, I love them to death, but as far as my health is concerned, I just couldn't do it.  I wanted to make healthy alternatives with what they had but it was HARD!  I came home today to fish in the freezer, whole grain waffles, no refined sugar or processed foods - nothing.   It was an eye opening experience for me to know what my autopilot is and to know how little discipline I actually have when it comes to eating.   But the great thing is that tomorrow is a new day- I can pick myself back up again and keep moving forward. 

I want the real good payoff and the real good result - more energy, better hair, better skin, loose fitting clothes, more activity, more mobility, more flexibility, a guarantee (sort of) that I will be here and that my weight and health problems will not keep me from living my life and achieving my dreams.